Excessive People Pleasing | Dependent Origination

Finding Balance in Relationships with the Twelve Nidanas of Dependent Origination

Lets use the example of someone who engages in excessive people-pleasing to illustrate the Twelve Nidanas of dependent origination.
1. Ignorance (avijja): The person lacks understanding of the true nature of reality, including the impermanence of peoples opinions and the futility of trying to control them.
2. Mental formations (sankhara): Due to ignorance, the person has formed habitual patterns of seeking approval and validation from others through excessive people-pleasing.
3. Consciousness (viññana): The persons consciousness is conditioned by these mental formations, making them prone to excessive people-pleasing behavior.
4. Name and form (nama-rupa): The persons body and mind (psychophysical constituents) manifest in a way that is susceptible to people-pleasing behavior.
5. The six sense bases (salayatana): The persons sense organs (sight, hearing, smell, taste, touch, and mind) interact with the external world.
6. Contact (phassa): The person encounters situations or people that trigger their desire for approval and validation through their sense bases.
7. Feeling (vedana): The person experiences a pleasant feeling when they are able to please others and gain approval.
8. Craving (tanha): The person develops a desire and attachment to the pleasant feeling of gaining approval, leading to excessive people-pleasing behavior.
9. Clinging (upadana): The persons attachment to their behavior intensifies, causing them to cling to excessive people-pleasing behavior as a way of coping with their desire for approval.
10. Becoming (bhava): This clinging to excessive people-pleasing reinforces the persons habitual patterns and karmic tendencies.
11. Birth (jati): The persons excessive people-pleasing behavior manifests in the form of constantly seeking approval and validation from others, leading to further attachment to this behavior.
12. Old age and death (jara-marana): The persons excessive people-pleasing behavior, if left unaddressed, can lead to physical, mental, and emotional suffering and perpetuate negative consequences in future situations or even future lives.
In this example, we can see how the Twelve Nidanas apply to the arising and perpetuation of excessive people-pleasing. By understanding the dependent origination of excessive people-pleasing and recognizing the interdependence of the Twelve Links, one can cultivate awareness and work towards breaking the cycle of this behavior, ultimately leading to greater self-compassion and inner peace.

How to break cycle at each point:

Here is how to break the cycle at each point:

1. Ignorance (avijja): The person can break the cycle of ignorance by learning more about the nature of reality and gaining insight into impermanence, interdependence, and the nature of the self. This could involve studying the teachings of the Buddha, seeking guidance from a wise teacher, or engaging in contemplative practices such as meditation or self-reflection.

2. Mental formations (sankhara): To break the cycle of habitual people-pleasing behavior, the person can work to develop new habits and patterns of behavior that are grounded in self-awareness and self-compassion. This could involve learning to identify and challenge negative self-talk, developing greater self-confidence and self-esteem, and cultivating a more balanced relationship with others.

3. Consciousness (viññana): By cultivating mindfulness and awareness of the present moment, the person can begin to observe their own patterns of thought and behavior and gain greater insight into how their desire for approval is influencing their experience of reality. This can help to weaken the grip of habitual tendencies and open up new possibilities for more skillful ways of relating to themselves and others.

4. Name and form (nama-rupa): The person can work on developing a more balanced and integrated relationship between their body, mind, and emotions. This could involve practices such as yoga, tai chi, or qigong, as well as engaging in therapeutic practices such as cognitive-behavioral therapy or mindfulness-based stress reduction.

5. The six sense bases (salayatana): To break the cycle of seeking external validation through the sense bases, the person can work on developing greater internal sources of validation and self-worth. This could involve cultivating a sense of purpose and meaning in life, developing a more compassionate and caring relationship with themselves, and finding joy in the present moment.

6. Contact (phassa): By becoming more mindful and aware of their interactions with others, the person can start to identify patterns of behavior that are driven by their desire for external validation. This can help to interrupt the cycle of craving and attachment and create space for more skillful and authentic ways of being in relationship to others.

7. Feeling (vedana): The person can learn to become more mindful of their own emotions and develop more healthy ways of responding to their experiences. This could involve practicing mindfulness meditation or other forms of self-reflection, as well as developing new habits of self-care and self-nurturing.

8. Craving (tanha): By developing greater self-awareness, the person can learn to identify and challenge the patterns of thinking and behavior that are driven by craving. This could involve developing new habits of mind and cultivating greater self-compassion and self-care.

9. Clinging (upadana): To break the cycle of clinging and attachment, the person can work on developing new habits of behavior that are more grounded in self-awareness, self-compassion, and skillful relationship to others. This could involve setting clear boundaries, learning to say no when appropriate, and engaging in relationship-building practices such as active listening and open communication.

10. Becoming (bhava): By developing greater awareness of their own habits and tendencies, the person can begin to break the cycle of karmic reinforcement that perpetuates their people-pleasing behavior. This can involve developing new habits of thought and behavior that are more aligned with their own values and goals, as well as cultivating greater self-acceptance and self-compassion.

11. Birth (jati): To break the cycle of excessive people-pleasing behavior, the person can work on developing a more balanced, integrated, and authentic sense of self. This could involve deepening their sense of purpose and meaning in life, developing greater self-confidence and self-acceptance, and finding more fulfilling and satisfying ways of relating to others.

12. Old age and death (jara-marana): By developing a more balanced, integrated, and skillful relationship to their own thoughts, emotions, and behaviors, the person can reduce their risk of suffering physical, mental, and emotional distress. This can help to create more positive outcomes in future situations and even future lives, and contribute to a greater sense of inner peace and freedom from suffering.

Conclusion

Excessive people-pleasing can be a toxic habit that perpetuates suffering and negative consequences. However, by recognizing the Twelve Nidanas of dependent origination, we can cultivate greater self-awareness and compassion, helping break the cycle of craving and attachment that underpins this behavior. By developing new habits grounded in self-acceptance, self-care, and mindfulness, we can cultivate a more balanced, authentic, and fulfilling relationship with ourselves and the world around us. This will not only reduce our own suffering but also contribute to a more peaceful and compassionate society.

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